12 dec 2023

 today is again december 2023, my wife christine, truely loves us and just work on her circumstances as best as she could be. but for us.. we are ingrates. i have come again to be self bashing, after that seek denial and continue to exert that someone takes my cup away, 

in my mind i keep harbouring that it can be done or i keep wishing washy and even self sabotage the project and create the destruction that `justify that eventuallity . this is so guallible. I must have not loved myself, my wife nor my family. 

Perhaps out of the depths of all these are the root responsibility of delivery care and creation and reliability for the people attaining to me. the exchange with bargaining for respect as the basic self worth. I have lost the root of these and a strong disbelife must have came upon me and that i reject this responsibility, reject this reality. refuse to work ahead 

why must i torture my wife so much? 

how can i stop doing this destructive action, why am i on this downward spiral that will destroy someone whom love me so much.

is it because i have been saved too many times that i am now oblivion thick skin and even apply the play dead, play poor, play victim playbook? 

reality is nobody cares.. only step on your own footing and regain your own self respect. half the people you complain and brings your problems to dun care the other half secretly laughs at you. just as you are doing to others. when you learn about their mishaps. which is you know for your ownself, always hoping to hear the mishap of others. \

This is really my flaw and fallacity and that perhaps is the self deserves. 

I am seeking a good scolding ? like i had gotten one in secondary school? so that i may reach the depth of my despair and finally realised that there is no way other than my own self labour and diligence. 

I have no idea... with man i am unable.. so help me god.. my lord my god,. help to scold me.. make me see the realities of the truth of matters that realiance on self is the true secret. 

whom can i work to impress? whom can i seek to change and improve my life circumstances. not even that, how can i stop the declaine of my own life now... help me god help me god, 

you know everything my circumstances and hope weak i am. I am truely weak, and clueless in the mind set, i kwno many a times in your words you call upon us to be strong and courageous, to go forward and address the problems and situatios at hands, we need to be examples to our children, we need to be regain of our own self worth. confidence. we need to be free of the fears in our heart and 

I am just incredibly lost. please help me with encouragement lord, i ask deliverance from my innner weakness. I ask for grace to grow up and be mature and that that I may shoulder responsibilites placed onto me and organise and sustain our living well again. 

I have so much to ask for so much to progress forward, I need to conitnue with journalling and regain my sense which i had lost 

turbulent waters again, as finances takes a deep dive amidst expansion and ensnare

 hi tianxiang, today is 2023 july. it had been 2 months since we had felt from need to progress and drive to fear and lingering amidst draining finances and fear of entrapment

is this for real? we had no idea. as so often, when in troubles again. i had to seek solace in writing and journaling. yet we have seems to have yet attain even deeper self awareness nor self reflections. 

since november last year 2022, we had chatgpt now. how mysterious and unpredicatable life is, a moment we are carefree, the next we are ensnared. in bad decisions traps set by others , indulgence and entrapment conspire by the greed , fear demons within. 

how is it that we have learn so much from lessons and failures of others. from the riches man in babylon, the secret of success lies in avoidance of downfalls. 

yet time and again , we set ourselves up and walk into risky territories, sometimes without a end in sight. 

yet my perception of the matter is far from being the only one. and certainly at certain point the fall shall set aside either from actions taken on our own initiative orbut efforts of external others and help and angels as we seek and look out for. for now we shall case our prayers and wish into the universe.

and pray that god reach out to us and save us, how we wish we had just had a terrible dream and that upon waking up, all is just a nightmare and that we can go about as peace would allow and not molest us. but yet this is not to be so as so many a times before.

we need tools to help us overcome first our own self bashing. taking too hard on ourselves. we had listen and understand the several steps of recovery and stopping ourselves from becoming even bigger threats to ourselves

step of overcoming grief

denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance, moving on

it is always about moving on. losses are losses. even in the final days of our lives. it is not so distant impossibility anymore as we witness our niece battle diseases. we are still in slumber, in tranquil la la land, revolving around indulgence in pleasures, not considering and preparing for what it will be like if diasasters strikes us in the most external sever manner. 

we attribute that to not being in the locas of control hence therefore we shall not overly worry. yet even in the locas of control, we had been decieved, dragged in and allow our inner greed, emotions to participate in damages that cause us to make bad and haste decision to the detriment of our team. 

hence we now attribute the blame mostly on ourselves so we seek to self bashing , and as well as a mechanism to elicit sympathy of our team. and seek help to drive the matters smooth. 

 yet it is in this anger and bargaining we are battling to avoid further destruction. 

 more self talks. more prayers to god, more listing of tools and working on small steps like before, 

we shall first bring ourselves out of our self pity, reframe our mindset to the perspective of share blaming on the causation of our plight, 

list down hard rules in future for avoidance of vices and run where these dangers would warrant death of all manners of finance, social, career, reputations and family. 

only child like faith to god and forever keeping a humble prudent perspective and a persepctive of having to fight on for the well being of ourselves family and team. and be careful whom u let into the team. 

so from all these, what do you seek? from the losses, what matters to you in life? like micky ask. what is it that matters to his life? he had seen the evils of his days, as the death of his career.  he had continuously asked what is indulgence for him, his excesses and his giving up of his greed. 

how about me? would i make a wise and sensible friend? when i am in trouble, would i run and seek help and advise? or would i shy away ,... 

 how i choose determine the person i am . i remember at the depths of my troubles in secondary school because that was the freshness of troubles in the short span of life i had then. but today as muted by the long span of tranquility and goodness god had showered upon us. I had lost that prepareness and drive for personal work learning and growth.

i must seek a external bashing. paid for the mistake internally if it clears my "debt" to god. then accept that life has no turning back. there is no what ifs and regrets. life does not have regret medicine. 

even though  there are thoughts and considerations like jeff bezzof when i am 60 what will i regret not done. 

but i guess there are different existential circumstanese to each of our lives. asking chatgpt, i am not sure if it can even guide me except pointing out the directions where it might make sense. 

where am i going with all these rumblings? 

as always as before... i am lost clueless, afraid of again the next pitfall. 

pray god loves me. thankful for all team and and supporters whom continue to mill the machines. serving customers. i need to get back to the focus of my work. serving customers

service customers are my only help

uncertainty and lost again after COVID 19

 its had been 2 to 3 years with emergence of COVID. 

We had stabalised, yet unstabalised in business salon , and agency.

Still in vacarious state, in sea state, in turbulent hiring and employment situation. 

No shore in sight.. no end of the dark storms in the horizon yet.. 

yet how should we face our fears, face our anguish, shore up our determination. focus our vision. steer the course as best as possible. 

we love our children, we love our wife christine and we love our team. 

how can we love ourself? that we may tidy up and organise our work. feel more organised and focus and be free from all the pursues and demands of the many counter parties. 

God help us. 

maids central development plan

hi, mainly the issue is about scale of progress, difficulty ahead, management and key personels

 Situation, Key persons, management sales operations. development,


Management, me, w,

my issues: wavering, tied, lac of clear vision and determination, bounded by circumstances and also wavering of wants and how to obtain..

w, going motivated by emotions, feelings of gratitude and own issues and mix, not wanting to commit the issues, work according to own plans,

able to be loyal? seems hard..

re assessment of work done under our hands over the pass year...

what is going on..

lost is the theme of the session once again.

perhaps fear of failure had struck into my heart once more and seems to cripple whatever progress i may be doing and heading..

who cares?

nobody cares..

what matters?
nothing much matters

we are just but a passing wind.. stick around today.. pesky in design maybe... gone tomorrow

the feeling of stickening lingers...

how is it we can move out of our present mental circumstances.

once again i resort to writing .. purging out the poisons from my mental state..

will it work?

will it ne sufficient? i have no idea anymore... where do i go? i dun know... where shall i proceed i have no idea.. will i gain or loss.. i no longer have a sense..

I am just tired... tired of uncertainty.. tired of being tired..

how shall i trust.. how shall i move... how shall i believe...?

rebuilding my life

stepping forward,

A) need to re organised my life with new perspectives, new learnings, new hopes new pursues

I desire, true friendships... unfortunately 2+1 aspects

1 Environment. I need to be shit situation

2 Other Personality : Basically kind and willing to give freely

3 Own Personality: Sense of gratitude and free from guile and design


B) desire, good healthy dose of dopamine regularly

1) Regular exercise
2) Sense of achievements
3) Nice Clubbing music
4) Shopping

C) Investments

0) Grow teach our children well
1) continue do good for those whom need
2) regulate those who needs to be regulated
3) grow our learnings
4) Grow our resources
5) Grow our friendships

moving on.. building my life again

as before, all endings needs a new begining,

My best friend had died.. a part of me died along with her..



surely as the lord lives.. the memories shall be buried....

may it be in my soul till the day i bring them to the grave, never to be spoken on my lips again...

god be willing...


for my friend had died... she is gone and will never be spoken of again..

she had wished it that way.. the day she died.. everything shall not be invoked

she had never been a part of my life, she had never been through the doors

because the new live won't allow it...



Hence, as my honour to my best friend. God help me fulfil my promise...