12 dec 2023

 today is again december 2023, my wife christine, truely loves us and just work on her circumstances as best as she could be. but for us.. we are ingrates. i have come again to be self bashing, after that seek denial and continue to exert that someone takes my cup away, 

in my mind i keep harbouring that it can be done or i keep wishing washy and even self sabotage the project and create the destruction that `justify that eventuallity . this is so guallible. I must have not loved myself, my wife nor my family. 

Perhaps out of the depths of all these are the root responsibility of delivery care and creation and reliability for the people attaining to me. the exchange with bargaining for respect as the basic self worth. I have lost the root of these and a strong disbelife must have came upon me and that i reject this responsibility, reject this reality. refuse to work ahead 

why must i torture my wife so much? 

how can i stop doing this destructive action, why am i on this downward spiral that will destroy someone whom love me so much.

is it because i have been saved too many times that i am now oblivion thick skin and even apply the play dead, play poor, play victim playbook? 

reality is nobody cares.. only step on your own footing and regain your own self respect. half the people you complain and brings your problems to dun care the other half secretly laughs at you. just as you are doing to others. when you learn about their mishaps. which is you know for your ownself, always hoping to hear the mishap of others. \

This is really my flaw and fallacity and that perhaps is the self deserves. 

I am seeking a good scolding ? like i had gotten one in secondary school? so that i may reach the depth of my despair and finally realised that there is no way other than my own self labour and diligence. 

I have no idea... with man i am unable.. so help me god.. my lord my god,. help to scold me.. make me see the realities of the truth of matters that realiance on self is the true secret. 

whom can i work to impress? whom can i seek to change and improve my life circumstances. not even that, how can i stop the declaine of my own life now... help me god help me god, 

you know everything my circumstances and hope weak i am. I am truely weak, and clueless in the mind set, i kwno many a times in your words you call upon us to be strong and courageous, to go forward and address the problems and situatios at hands, we need to be examples to our children, we need to be regain of our own self worth. confidence. we need to be free of the fears in our heart and 

I am just incredibly lost. please help me with encouragement lord, i ask deliverance from my innner weakness. I ask for grace to grow up and be mature and that that I may shoulder responsibilites placed onto me and organise and sustain our living well again. 

I have so much to ask for so much to progress forward, I need to conitnue with journalling and regain my sense which i had lost