Do i have sufficient common sence?

Hey,

As usual i will like to being with asking, How are you feeling today? I guess more often then not, my answer would be like that loe.. not much happening. wu jing da cha. Cannot seems to lift my spirits up. When was the last time I woke up feeling elated?

hmm.. let me think.. when I used to admire my secret admirer when I was younger. When I am woke up one morning in Norway knowing that I would be leaving moholt for holidays in Germany. When I woke up in my bunk during BMT thinking what a fulfilling day it would be and then at the end of the day I would be able to talk to the girl I admire. When I began talking to ling. What is it that makes me happy in the mornings?

The elated knowing that each day might bring a little surprise. The joy of knowing I would be able to meet the person I like. The anticipation I would be able to progress abit more..

These days? When I woke up.. I looked at my clock.. wondering how am i going to past the dreadful day. I try not to think about it. I try to read the news.. hoping to find something different.. something exciting that would happen. I try to look for some excitment. After an hour to 2 hour long fruitless search. Not really fruitless because I do indeed am updated by what is happening. Then I would search some more inside the webs for disgrunted voices. People who are unhappy with what is going on in our small little country, their explainations on why things ain't going to be better. I suppose I am falling into a vicious cycle of discontentment, speaking of birds of the same feather flock together. I am dis satisfied with the way my life is going.

Finally I give up, looking at the clock. It would usually read 11 am by this time. The whole morning would already had been over. The strange thing is, why do I not even have the slightest feeling of gosh! I am wasting precious time!! I remember as a child, during my primary sch, during my secondary sch even in the beginning of my JC days. I would always felt this acute sense of panic!! gosh!! where had my time went?! But it is no longer here anymore. Now it is more like "There is so much time, what am I going to do to occupy them?" This certainly isn't a healthy sigh at all.

Searching deep within.. what exactly is happening to me? Why have I become so slack??? I wasn't like this when I was younger during my primary sch days. my sec days even my jc days. particularly not my BMT days. So wad the heck happened??? Had my officer training days in OCS changed my thinking? had I compared with how ppl had done less and gotten more in return? Had I felt jealous that I had pursuit too much in one direction but lost out in terms of my ability to make friends, finding a female companionship? Have I regretted for how things went in the past? I must have.

So when I came in Uni, what was on my mind? I wanted to learn, to experience and the acquire some skills which I would not be able to find in the text books. What are these skills my friends asked me. I asked myself too. I do not know. I would venture deep into the unknown. the unknown being within myself, within the thinking that I had used to. I tried different matters? Going to church, reading books on philosophy, trying my hands on volunteerism. Getting in touch with importing and selling some lamps, going on exchange program to Europe. Learning about Real estate Plus of course, learning how to communicate with people and finding a soul mate.

Going one full cycle.. Can I say I had been there done that? I do not know. Each step I was alone. Each step I had no idea if I had make a mistake or not. Perhaps the biggest waste of all is not to evaluate the steps at all. I mean occasionally I would evaluate. haha perhaps I realise later on there are more mistakes and rashness in them than I would be willing to admit. I had wanted to be perfect. Then I realise I am not cut out to be. Then I lowered my standard. Then lower some more. now it is like no standard.

Have I lost my self confidence? I used to believe in myself so much more. Now with so many set backs I had faced. Had I accepted the fact that I am still not up to it and maybe this is how my life will turn out. I had lost confidence in myself in achieving the goals i set. I lost confidence in myself that people might like me and find me interesting. I lost confidence in my judgement that I am able to source out a good deal.

I had much confidence before. Picking my subjects in sec sch. doing my A "levels" leading my team to win interschools championships. BMT winning the best recuit award. But since OCS, since being an officer and realising my personality is quite and the tendency to introvertness is more likely. I tried ways and means to break out, to be extroverted. To participate in people's lifes, to be there for people. But it seems I have gone a full circle and ended up.... nothing.. no where...

Perhaps the things I am talking about today is too wide a subject. too wide a reflection for it to be accurate or even to draw lesson since I am probably too swayed in my own emotions now to view my experiences with objectivity.


Let is be.. let it be.. let it be.. let it be... whisper words of wisdom.. let it be...