turbulent waters again, as finances takes a deep dive amidst expansion and ensnare

 hi tianxiang, today is 2023 july. it had been 2 months since we had felt from need to progress and drive to fear and lingering amidst draining finances and fear of entrapment

is this for real? we had no idea. as so often, when in troubles again. i had to seek solace in writing and journaling. yet we have seems to have yet attain even deeper self awareness nor self reflections. 

since november last year 2022, we had chatgpt now. how mysterious and unpredicatable life is, a moment we are carefree, the next we are ensnared. in bad decisions traps set by others , indulgence and entrapment conspire by the greed , fear demons within. 

how is it that we have learn so much from lessons and failures of others. from the riches man in babylon, the secret of success lies in avoidance of downfalls. 

yet time and again , we set ourselves up and walk into risky territories, sometimes without a end in sight. 

yet my perception of the matter is far from being the only one. and certainly at certain point the fall shall set aside either from actions taken on our own initiative orbut efforts of external others and help and angels as we seek and look out for. for now we shall case our prayers and wish into the universe.

and pray that god reach out to us and save us, how we wish we had just had a terrible dream and that upon waking up, all is just a nightmare and that we can go about as peace would allow and not molest us. but yet this is not to be so as so many a times before.

we need tools to help us overcome first our own self bashing. taking too hard on ourselves. we had listen and understand the several steps of recovery and stopping ourselves from becoming even bigger threats to ourselves

step of overcoming grief

denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance, moving on

it is always about moving on. losses are losses. even in the final days of our lives. it is not so distant impossibility anymore as we witness our niece battle diseases. we are still in slumber, in tranquil la la land, revolving around indulgence in pleasures, not considering and preparing for what it will be like if diasasters strikes us in the most external sever manner. 

we attribute that to not being in the locas of control hence therefore we shall not overly worry. yet even in the locas of control, we had been decieved, dragged in and allow our inner greed, emotions to participate in damages that cause us to make bad and haste decision to the detriment of our team. 

hence we now attribute the blame mostly on ourselves so we seek to self bashing , and as well as a mechanism to elicit sympathy of our team. and seek help to drive the matters smooth. 

 yet it is in this anger and bargaining we are battling to avoid further destruction. 

 more self talks. more prayers to god, more listing of tools and working on small steps like before, 

we shall first bring ourselves out of our self pity, reframe our mindset to the perspective of share blaming on the causation of our plight, 

list down hard rules in future for avoidance of vices and run where these dangers would warrant death of all manners of finance, social, career, reputations and family. 

only child like faith to god and forever keeping a humble prudent perspective and a persepctive of having to fight on for the well being of ourselves family and team. and be careful whom u let into the team. 

so from all these, what do you seek? from the losses, what matters to you in life? like micky ask. what is it that matters to his life? he had seen the evils of his days, as the death of his career.  he had continuously asked what is indulgence for him, his excesses and his giving up of his greed. 

how about me? would i make a wise and sensible friend? when i am in trouble, would i run and seek help and advise? or would i shy away ,... 

 how i choose determine the person i am . i remember at the depths of my troubles in secondary school because that was the freshness of troubles in the short span of life i had then. but today as muted by the long span of tranquility and goodness god had showered upon us. I had lost that prepareness and drive for personal work learning and growth.

i must seek a external bashing. paid for the mistake internally if it clears my "debt" to god. then accept that life has no turning back. there is no what ifs and regrets. life does not have regret medicine. 

even though  there are thoughts and considerations like jeff bezzof when i am 60 what will i regret not done. 

but i guess there are different existential circumstanese to each of our lives. asking chatgpt, i am not sure if it can even guide me except pointing out the directions where it might make sense. 

where am i going with all these rumblings? 

as always as before... i am lost clueless, afraid of again the next pitfall. 

pray god loves me. thankful for all team and and supporters whom continue to mill the machines. serving customers. i need to get back to the focus of my work. serving customers

service customers are my only help